


In Nomine

by Shadowcat221b



Series: Felix Culpa [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Emotional Infidelity, Homophobia, Implied bottom!jared, Multi, Priest!Jensen, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-09-29 19:19:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10142135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat221b/pseuds/Shadowcat221b
Summary: "For the love of an Intended is the closest to the love of the Lord"Only about 15% of the population has an Intended, a soulmate, so to speak. Their first name, and second, should they have one, appears on one's body sometime during puberty.Those without an Intended seek the aid of the church to make sure their bond is fit for marriage.It is on this occasion that Father Jensen Ackles meets highschool sweethearts Sandy McCoy and Jared Padalecki, the man whose name has been written on his body since he was a teen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [have you seen him whom my soul loves](https://archiveofourown.org/works/666813) by [veronamay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/veronamay/pseuds/veronamay). 



> As some of you might know I am a huge sucker for soulmate au's... And completely in love with 'have you seen him whom my soul loves' by veronamay.  
> Somehow I ended up with an idea and this is the result.  
> I will try to update regularly, the outline for this story is already finished. It is also unbeta'd.  
> The church in this story has customs and beliefs similar to the catholic church, but is not the catholic church.  
> I don't wish to offend anyone. Don't read if any of the tags make you uncomfortable.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

Jensen looks up as he hears the knock on his door. It's his last appointment this Friday, a young couple who wants to get married.

»Please come in«, Jensen calls and the door swings open.

A petite young woman enters followed by a tall guy, taller than Jensen, who is six foot one after all.

Jensen puts on his most charming smile, stands up and extends his hand.

»Welcome, I am Father Ackles and you must be Miss McCoy and Mister Padalecki.«

McCoy introduces herself as Sandy. Her hand feels small in his as he shakes it courtly. Then Padalecki's hand wraps around his as he says "Jared" and Jensen can feel the strength in it. It's warm and his grip is sure, but without the posturing Jensen is used to from other men his size.

They all take a seat and Jensen begins by congratulating the couple.

Sandy blushes and mumbles: »Thank you.«

Jared stays surprisingly quiet.

»Now from what I understand, you are Nameless and want to get married«, Jensen states.

They both nod.

»Good, that is not unusual, there are plenty of happy Nameless couples. I will ask you to fill out a questionnaire and based on that talk to you both together and individually to make sure you are making the right choice.

Only around 15 percent of the population have an Intended, a partner hand picked by God himself, so the church does its best to ensure happy unions between those without an Intended, the Nameless, who are just as deserving of love«, he recites.

»JT and I are high school sweethearts, going strong for almost eight years now«, Sandy supplies, looking at Jared with a smile on her face while playing with the fingers of his right hand that she previously held.

Jared smiles back at her.

Jensen looks at them fondly: »Then this won't be much more than a simple formality. All the information you will provide will be handled confidentially and only used to provide council to you.«

He hands them both the questionnaire, busying himself with some paperwork as they fill it out.

He sneaks some glances every now and then, observing their body language and behavior. It will help him with the interviews later.

Both are leaning towards eachother a little, a simple angling of their bodies that speaks of years of familiarity.

While Sandy is answering every question swiftly and with confidence, Jared is absentmindedly chewing on the cap of his pen.

His brows are furrowed as he quickly jots down the answers after a moment of consideration.

They finish pretty close to eachother in the end, handing the questionnaires back to Jensen.

Jensen thanks them and asks if they have any questions. Both decline, so he makes appointments with both of them to talk individually.

Due to their workschedules they will happen a day apart, Sandy Wednesday afternoon and Jared on Thursday.

It gives Jensen enough time to read through the questionnaire and work out what to ask in the interviews. If he has to, it might even be that the two lovebirds are so made for eachother that it makes the interviews obsolete, in which case he would just spend the time chatting about whatever comes to mind.

But there is protocol to be followed.

They say goodbye and Jensen is once again alone in his office.

He gets himself a bottle of water and starts reading through the questionnaires.

Sandy's, or well, Sandra's, which is her 'real' name, is entirely unremarkable. Based on her answers and the impression Jensen got from her she seems like a sweet girl. Intelligent, loving and devoted, if maybe a bit clingy, she will make a wonderful wife.

Jensen's heart stops when he reads the full name written in the first collumn of Jared's paper.

Jared Tristan Padalecki.

Jensen closes his eyes. When he opens them again the name is still there.

He knows it doesn't have to mean anything.

Jared doesn't have to be his Intended. The man whose name he has been carrying on his body since he was sixteen years old.

No. No he can't be.

Jared is Nameless, that is why they have met in the first place. Jared doesn't have an Intended, Jensen tells himself.

And when Jensen joined the Church he swore off any romantic relationships.

He shouldn't even have been allowed to join, not with the name of a man marring his skin. If it hadn't been for Father Morgan, Jensen had no idea where he would have ended up.

Father Morgan had found him after... after what had happened with his parents. He had taken Jensen under his wing, explained to him that while other clerics might disagree, he wasn't inherently bad for having a man as his Intended. That he could still reach paradise by devoting his life to God. That the sin could be forgiven.

This is nothing more than a coincidence.

Jared is Nameless and only happens to have the same name as Jensen's Intended.

Jensen sighs and skims over the rest of Jared's answers.

Jared seems just as loving as Sandra, warm hearted and kind. There is nothing peculiar about his answers, they are what one would expect and that makes Jensen stop for a moment. He wouldn't pay it any mind if it wasn't for how Jared had looked before writing them down.

It plants the doubt in Jensen's mind that the man's answers might not be sincere. Of course Jared could have just taken his time, thought things through. But a voice in Jensen's head whispers that he might just as well have thought about what would be the right answer. Not the true one.

Jensen makes a mental note to work this into Jared's interview and if necessary tickle the real answers out of him.

He closes up his office, files away the papers and goes home. Cooks himself dinner and reads a bit. Makes sure he has everything prepared for taking confessions tomorrow as well as searching for a passage to read during mass.

He isn't looking forward to hearing Mr. Miller talk about the porn he has watched in the past week and giving him penance, like he has done every week for the past twelve since he was appointed priest in this district.

He doesn't think about Jared the entire evening, steering his thoughts away from him and the temptation he represents.

Jensen has no time for what if's, for wishes and fairytales. He can't allow himself to wonder about the possibilities of a different life.

It has led him down a dark path in the past, only brought misery and pain.

But he is not that boy anymore. He won't make the same foolish mistakes.

He falls into bed and closes his eyes.

He waits for sleep to come for hours while he feels the name written on his skin like it is burning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who already subscribed, left a kudo or a comment, you rock!  
> I hope you like the update.  
> Briefly implied child abuse. Nothing explicit.  
> Like so often unbeta'd.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

As expected Mister Miller confesses to indulging in porn and Misses Gruber tearfully tells him that she thinks she is not giving her cat Mittens, number five of six, the attention he deserves, since she only petted him a total of 3 hours in the last week.

She is nearly 90, the lady, not the cat and if he weren't so tired Jensen would smile, because it always touches his heart how much Misses Gruber cares for her cats.

He promises her God's forgiveness and gives her her penance.

She leaves and Jensen rubs his eyes trying to make himself feel more awake. The door to the confessional opens and someone sits down on the other side.

 

»Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one year, six months and three weeks since my last confession.«

Jared's voice is soft as he speaks the words without wavering.

Jensen says the words back that are expected of him, looking straight ahead.

When Jared replies it is with a voice that sounds much older than that of a young man of twenty three should.

»I lied. For years I made everyone believe that I am Nameless, while carrying a name on my body. I have deceived my fiancee, my parents, family and friends.«

Jensen has a feeling he knows where this is going, but he has a duty to fulfill so he asks: »Why? Having an Intended is a blessing, why would you hide it?«

Jared laughs hollowly. »The name I carry is that of a man. Not much of a blessing in the eyes of the church. Father, you are the only person... the only one here who... knows. From the moment it appeared I have kept it hidden to spare my parents the shame.«

Jensen breathes in deep, swallowing around the lump forming in his throat. »My son, there is no shame in having another man's name on your body as long as you don't act upon it. It does not keep you from living a God pleasing life.«

Jared is quiet, so Jensen asks: »Is there more you want to tell me?«

»I have ... doubts«, Jared replies after a moment.

»About?«, Jensen inquires, dreading the answer.

»I know my fiance is the only one I should desire. I know that sex before marriage is a sin and all we do is kiss, hold hands, hug. But sometimes I wish... I wish it was his hand holding mine, his lips, his arms holding me. Him telling me he loved me. And me saying it right back to him.«

 

* * *

 

 

That evening when he is in the shower Jensen scrubs at the name on his body until the skin around it is pink and raw but the name stays, stark black, unmoving. He has to twist and look into the mirror to see it, the constant reminder of his impurity.

He believes what he told Jared, that one can live a God pleasing life like this, but it is so incredibly hard.

He nearly fell into the trap of temptation and sin when he was a teen, dreaming of a time and place far away from the household he grew up in. He wrote poems imagining what it would be like to have his Intended by his side. That together they would walk tall and proud and his father would never again dare raise his hand at him.

They found his notebook and that night Jensen slept leaning against the oakdoor of a church. In the morning Father Morgan literally stumbled across his huddled figure.

He pulled Jensen back from the edge and now it is his task to do it for Jared.

Jensen makes a choice that night, a choice that he prays is the right one.

 

* * *

 

 

There is a plate of cookies on the table. Nothing fancy, just some plain almond cookies. Sandra still munches them happily.

»I know you already answered some things on the questionnaire but I would still like you to tell me about your relationship with your fiancee«, Jensen does his best to smile at her.

»Sure«, she smiles back at him. »We basically grew up together, our families were neighbors and we first went to the same kindergarten and then the same schools. And then in Freshman year I noticed that JT would get nervous around me, which he never did before. So, as his birthday present when he turned sixteen I asked him out. Of course I didn't know he would grow up to be so tall or maybe I would have thought twice about it.«

She laughs. Jensen forces a chuckle.

»We've been together ever since.«

»That is«, Jensen searches for the right word. »Remarkable. Why do you want to get married?«

»Well, marriage has always been on the horizon for us, our mothers even joked about it when we were young. But we agreed to finish school first and then go to college. Have something to look forward to when we graduate. We didn't go to the same college, because JT, he is very smart and he got into Berkeley with a full ride, so we decided together that he had to go. Space can not break love, we thought, so he went and I stayed here. And we were right, it only made us love eachother more.«

She seems so confident in her answers, trusting her fiancee entirely.

»We always wanted to get married in spring, the start of a new year and the start of our new lives falling together always seemed poetic.«

She takes another cookie.

When she leaves Jensen can't bring himself to smile properly.

 

* * *

 

 

»I proposed right before I left for Berkeley«, Jared says, rubbing his knee. »It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Everyone expected it, I think. So, I did, made her that promise and... went off to California.«

There is a pause. »To be honest, I am glad we have a long engagement.«

»Why?«

Jared looks at him through his bangs. He looks scared.

»Does this have to do with what you confessed to me?«

After a moment Jared swallows and nods and there is a twinge in Jensen's heart.

He waits.

»I«, Jared's eyes flick around until they fix themselves onto the jar with pencils on the desk. The cookies are still untouched. »Before I went to California I thought, I was convinced that I was inherently evil. And that I would pull down Sandy with me. And getting engaged and then moving so far away... It seemed like I could keep a backdoor open, that I could claim after graduating that all the time apart had taken it's toll, break off the engagement, give her the opportunity to find someone not... unclean. Calling off an engagement would be so much easier than getting a divorce, you know?«

Jensen nods: »But something changed, didn't it.«

Jared rubs at his knee again. »I... I met some people in San Francisco, people that the church wouldn't approve of and... listened to what they had to say.«

Jensen raises his eyebrow at that.

»They didn't, didn't force me to join them or believe what they did, but they pointed me to passages in the Word that made me realize that despite what I had been taught all my life I wasn't condemned to Hell, that I, like you told me, had a choice to lead a God pleasing life, a good life. A life with Sandy.«

»I am glad you had this experience«, is what Jensen finally replies. He can see how Jared clings to these beliefs, knows how he feels because he feels the same.

Tentatively Jared reaches out to the cookies, then hesitates, hand hovering midway. Jensen pushes the plate towards him. Jared flashes him a quick smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

»She always wanted a spring wedding. I would have liked to do it in the summer, but every time we talk about it she tells me about how beautiful it would be to have it in the spring. So that's what we will do, most likely around April.«

Jared nibbles on his cookie. Jensen can't help but notice that despite the circumstance the picture is adorable. Mentally chastising himself for the thought he says: »If you are set on a spring wedding, why do you come to counceling now, in November and not some time in February?«

»Sandy likes to put her full attention to things. She will probably start planning the wedding in January and she wouldn't want to cram this in then. This way she can do both with all her focus.«

»Her happiness is very important to you, isn't it?«

»Of course.« Jared looks at the cookies again. Jensen pushes them a bit closer. »I mean, she is my fiancee. If she is happy, I am happy.«

»But you aren't.«

Jared takes another cookie and minimally shakes his head.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am blown away by how many of you subscribed to this story, I hope you like the update.  
> Things are finally picking up.  
> Thank you to everyone who read, subscribed, left a kudo or comment. You rock!  
> As per usual un-beta'd.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

Jensen tosses and turns the whole night. Words keep echoing in his head, those that were said but also those unsaid.

His faith is being tested, he knows. Giving in would bring destruction.  
But it's not about him, not anymore. It's about his boy.

That beautiful, gentle soul who needs someone to put him first. Who deserves for someone to put him first. His happiness. His feelings. Listen to his doubts and insecurities, providing security and safety.

It is Jensen's task to do that now. And to make sure Sandra will continue once Jensen can't anymore. She is not willfully ignoring her fiance's needs, she simply doesn't know better, doesn't see what Jensen sees, but he can help her.

He will help.

The next meeting he has with the two is over a week away, which gives him enough time to figure out what to say when they are both sitting in his office.

He finally sleeps in the early hours of morning.

 

Jared doesn't show up at confession on Saturday and Jensen is grateful.

He can spot him in the crowd during mass on Sunday though, Sandra by his side, their eyes fleetingly meeting as he gives the sermon. Jensen carries on without a hitch, but his lips curve upward to mirror the minimal smile Jared has on his face.

Jensen speaks of the different kinds of love there are. The love between family, friends, partners and Intended, the love that can exist all around, the love of the Lord.

That not all love is the same, but still holds value. That everyone is deserving of love as long as they themselves are loving.

He hopes that Jared understands what he is trying to say.

 

He finishes the service and the people start filtering out of the church. Only a few linger, some walking over to light a candle.

Jensen tucks the bible away and makes his way down between the benches. He is planning to stay a bit, offer conversation to those interested.

He sees Jared help Sandra into her jacket as she spots him.

»Father, do you have a moment?«, her voice is cheerful, as usual.

Jensen nods and joins them.

Jared mumbles a hello, fixing the collar of his fiancee's jacket.

»I am sorry if this is too straightforward, Father, but would you like join our Christmas Party on Friday?«, Sandra asks.

Jensen smiles: »Thank you for the invitation, but...«

He stalls for a second, hoping that his intent is evident and he doesn't have to come up with an excuse.

»It would be a joy having you. Your sermon today was... brilliant «, Jared says softly, while Sandra tucks herself into his side.

And he looks at Jensen through his bangs, eyes open and sincere and Jensen can't say no.

Not to his Intended.

»Only if I am allowed to contribute by bringing some food«, Jensen finishes.

Sandra flashes him a bright smile: »Oh, Father, that won't be necessary, you are a guest.«

Jensen almost doesn't hear her because he is caught by the dimples appearing in Jared's cheeks.

»Thank you, I have to insist though. Anything in particular you would like?«

»Whatever you want«, Jared replies.

 

Jensen goes shopping on Thursday. The party has been sitting at the back of his mind ever since Sunday and he has tried putting off thinking about it for the longest time possible. Now he can't anymore. He promised to bring food and he will be damned if he doesn't keep his word. Oh the irony.

So now he his standing in front of the rack with cake mixes, trying to figure out which one to use. In the end he decides to go the old fashioned route and bake muffins the way his grandmother taught him.

He makes it into the aisles with the chocolate before colliding with a solid, if a bit bony, body. He instinctively reaches out to steady both of them and apologizes.

Jared blinks at him a bit owlishly. »It's fine«, he says after a second. »Are you ok?«

Jensen swallows: »Yeah, I mean yes. What are you doing here?«

A smile plays around Jared's lips as he answers. »I am co-hosting a party for more than fifty guests tomorrow, if you've forgotten, Father.«

Jensen can feel the tips of his ears redden in embarrassment.

»So Sandy sent me to buy some more chocolate and sweets because my sister has announced she will bring her kids and Sandy desperately wants to get on their good side so she is planning to spoil them rotten. Happy kids are also less likely to damage the house, so win-win, right?«

At the mention of Sandra Jensen notices that his hand is still grasping Jared's biceps. He lets it fall. It feels instantly empty so he puts it in his pocket. Jared finishes his little ramble and looks at the contents of Jensen's shopping basket. »And you are...?«

»Also shopping for the party«, Jensen chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck.

Jared raises his eyebrow. »Oh. You know you don't have to, seriously, we-«

»It's a pleasure«, Jensen cuts him off. »I haven't baked in ages, it's time I dust off my muffin pan anyway.«

The dimples are deep in Jared's cheeks as he says "Thank you", hazel eyes locked on Jensen's. Warmth spreads through him at the words.

He asks: »How are you?«

And Jared answers: »Better.«

Jensen smiles back at him. He notices that this is first time they are speaking without anything between them, no desk, no wall, no Sandra.

Nothing but a secret Jensen intendeds to keep.

They fall into an easy chat and minutes fly by. It's only when Jared's phone vibrates that they are broken out of the little bubble they are in.

»I'm sorry«, Jared says as he reads the text he got. »But I need to get going. Sandy wants to decorate the garden today and the guestrooms need to be prepared. It was a joy talking to you, Father, I hope we can continue tomorrow.«

The dimples are still there. Jensen can't help but smile back as he says: »Of course, me too.«

»'till tomorrow.«

Jared insists on shaking his hand. It's only when Jared is almost out of sight that Jensen remembers to ask: »Wait, when should I be there?«

Jared turns half around, flicking the hair out of his eyes. »Any time after six.«

»I'll be there«, Jensen replies and watches as Jared, despite his height, manages to disappear between the aisles.

 

Something has changed. Jensen doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to think about how easy it was to talk to Jared, how nice and comfortable.

Instead he does his best to remember his grandmother's recipe for chocolate chip rum muffins. Maybe he should leave out the rum. After all kids will be at the party.

So no rum.

It keeps him distracted long enough to finish shopping, get home and make thirty six muffins.

 

He prays for strength and guidance that night.

And for forgiveness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all you awesome subscribers, kudo-leavers, bookmarkers, commenters and general readers!  
> I hope you like the update.  
> As always un-beta'd.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

Jensen is standing in front of a small house, gripping a bowl with muffins tightly. He didn't even have a basket to put them in and was scared to put them on a plate since they could roll off during the drive. Now he feels stupid, carrying muffins in a bowl. It is five minutes past six and Jensen thinks he will stay an hour or two and then make a quiet exit. He doesn't belong with the family after all.

He rings the bell.

A kid, maybe four years old opens the door. Before Jensen can even open his mouth she yells: »Unca Jared there is a man at the door!«

Jared shows up beside the girl in the door frame, laughing. »Thank you for telling me, Beth.« He looks at Jensen than back at the her. »This is Father Ackles, we invited him. Would you let him in?«

The girl cocks her head. She looks Jensen up and down before opening the door fully.

Jensen thanks her and takes a step inside.

»I'm glad you could make it«, Jared says as Beth is already running off to somewhere else.

»Me too«, Jensen smiles and holds up the bowl. »Where should I put the muffins?«

 

Within the next half an hour more and more guests arrive until the entire house is crammed as well as the small garden in the back.

There is an abundance of different foods and the plates never seem to go empty.

Jared is introducing Jensen to a few people at first, his older sister Mary and her two kids Bethany and Isabel, his brother Joel and one of Sandra's cousins before he has to go to the kitchen to help his fiancee and Jensen is left in a sea of people who are strangers to him.

There is something that Jensen notices throughout the evening though. Jared and him seem to gravitate towards eachother. At first they are more often than not in the same room, talking to various people and Jared sends him a smile now and then when he catches Jensen looking at him before turning back to the conversation. Jensen gets swept up by the Padalecki's, who all seem interested in getting to know him for some reason. He doesn't leave after two hours like he had planned.

 

At one point they are singing christmas carols, Joel Padalecki hammering the keys of the old piano. They all gather in the small room that is mostly taken up by the giant christmas tree, squishing together to share the sheet music, everyone singing to their hearts content, no matter if they hit the right notes or not.

Jensen is sitting on the tiny couch beside Nan Padalecki who keeps tutting about how he would make a great husband if it wasn't for his vow of celibacy.

Jared is sitting close to the piano with Sandra on his knees to save space, as he had explained to his Nan who had looked not too pleased with the public display of affection.

Song after song flies by and the first people excuse themselves and leave.

Sandra walks them to the door and waves goodbye while Jared stays, leading the choreography for twelve days of christmas. Even with fewer people the space is still so crammed that Jensen fears someone might get injured while doing the wide movements for the five golden rings.

It doesn't happen and after finishing to a round of applause most of the group dissolves. Jared is off to tuck in his sister's kids at their insistence since they will stay for the weekend.

Joel takes Nan with him as he drives her home and Jensen knows now would be the right moment for him to make his exit aswell.

And for once he does not what he thinks he should do. He does what he wants and sits down on the bench of the piano.

It has been some time since he last played but it only takes a few shaky chords to get back into it.

He plays whatever he knows, a bit of Chopin, a bit of the Lord of the Rings, snippets of melodies he once knew.

Only when he looks up he sees Jared sitting on a chair, his chin resting on the piano top.

He seems to have been there a while. He smiles at Jensen, gentle curve to his lips, the dimples only a hint in his cheeks.

»Could you, uh, could you teach me?«, Jared says so quietly Jensen thinks he would have missed it if all his attention hadn't been fixed in him anyway.

»I don't know, what would you like to learn?«, he says, even though the true answer is in the way he scoots to make space for Jared on the bench.

It feels natural when Jared slides in right beside him, their shoulders and legs pressed together. Jensen wants for them to stay that way as long as they can.

»What are you willing to teach me? I've never really played before.«

Jensen picks a simple tune for three hands that can be played endlessly. He teaches Jared the third, a melody that bounces up and down the keys like a playful dog on a field.

Jared picks it up quickly and soon adds his own ideas. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

They play together in harmony and Jared decides to play his part an octave closer to Jensen's, slinging his arm around his shoulders, tucking Jensen in effectively. It sounds good played close together, but Jensen has trouble keeping up the pace.

They stop after finishing the last measure of the melody.

»That was fun«, Jared turns to Jensen, eyes bright with joy. Suddenly they're too close, too close, Jensen thinks.

He can't bring himself to move back though.

Jared's arm is still around his shoulders, his fingertips grazing Jensen's elbow lightly.

Jared's eys flick down to Jensen's lips.

There is a loud crashing in the kitchen.

They jump apart.

»JT, honey, could you help me?«, Sandra's voice sounds from the other room.

Jared clears his throat. »Of course, just a second!« He turns to Jensen:»I'm sorry.«

»Don't worry«, Jensen replies. He takes a look at his watch. »It's almost midnight, I should get going anyway.«

He awkwardly stands up. He wishes for a second for Jared to take his hand, to ask him to stay. It doesn't happen. Instead Jared gets up as well and says: »Well then, let me at least escort you to the door.«

Jensen gets his coat, they walk to the door.

Jared wishes him a good night and thanks him for the muffins. Then he hugs Jensen. It's short, just a friendly hug, nothing more. It still leaves Jensen shellshocked.

Jared shuffels his feet. »Sorry.«

»Don't worry«, is what Jensen says as he reaches for the doorknob.

He collides with a woman on his way down the steps, apologizes and makes it his car.

He can hear Jared's voice exclaiming "Aunt Marianne" in the distance. He is too far away to hear the rest.

 

»Aunt Marianne?« Jared is quite surprised to see the woman on his doorstep.

»Hello JT«, she greets with a warm smile. She is a whirlwind, her hair a bit on the messy side and instantly invites herself in. »I am late enough that my sister isn't here anymore, right? And was that Jensen Ackles of all people? You could have told me you know him, JT.«

She hands Jared her coat who is standing frozen in the doorway.

Sandy calls from the kitchen again. Jared springs into motion, hanging up the coat and then moving to help his neglected fiancee.

Sandy is on the floor picking up the tiny pieces of a shattered glass bowl.

»I'm sorry I kept you waiting, I had to see Father Ackles to the door and then Aunt Marianne arrived«, Jared apologizes as he kneels down beside his fiancee.

»How about I finish this up and you go to bed? You did such a great job as hostess, you deserve the rest, I can clean up.«

Sandy gives him a tired smile. »Thanks, JT.« She gets up and pets his hair for a second, wishing him a good night. She says hello Marianne on her way out.

As soon as she is out of earshot Jared stops picking up the pieces. He his hands are trembling.

»Do you have some wine?«, Aunt Marianne asks from behind him. Jared snaps back into focus.

»Hm? Yes, give me a second.« He gets up, puts the broken glass in the bin and picks out a bottle.

Marianne pours herself some into a coffee mug she found on the counter.

Jared bites his lip. »Can I ask you something?«

»Of course, darling«, his aunt replies, sipping the wine.

»What did you say about uhm, what was his name? Jensen Ackles?«

He can feel his heart beating in his throat.

»The man that nearly ran me over on your doorstep was Jensen, wasn't he«, Marianne looks at Jared over the rim of her mug. »I'd know that pretty face anywhere.«

»How?« It comes out so quiet Jared nearly doubts his aunt even heard it.

»What how?«, she asks, oblivious to Jared's reaction as she pours a new mug of wine.

»How do you know him? What's his story?«, Jared manages to say.

»Oh.« A sip. »Remember when I used to live in Dallas? Young Jensen Ackles used to live across the street from me. That was, of course, until his parents kicked him out. From what I heard it wasn't even his fault, poor J.R. didn't deserve it. He was only sixteen after all. And he used to be such a happy child growing up. Never thought I'd see him again.« She tuts. »Jared, honey, are you alright? You look a bit pale.«

»I, uh, I don't feel so well, no.« He doesn't know how to react right now.

»I, uh, I, I need, I need to go.«

Without second thought he starts moving, grabs his keys and a jacket and is out the door before Marianne finishes to ask where is going.

He sits in the car with the keys in the ignition, staring at the wheel, thumb absentmindedly running over his hip bone every once in a while.

From the outside he could be mistaken for a statue.

After almost an hour he comes to a definite decision and starts the engine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R&R is appreciated, comments are love ;)  
> All the best,  
> the shadowcat


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you like this update!  
> Shoutout to all the awesome folks who commented! And those you subscribed and left kudos!  
> Thank you for reading :)  
> As usual un-beta'd.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

The bell rings. Jensen opens the door in his pajamas, it's nearly two a.m., ready to grumble at whoever is wanting his attention and suddenly stands in front of Jared, who is shuffeling his feet nervously.

»Can I come in?«

Jensen takes a step aside: »Please.«

Jared nods his thanks and cleans his shoes on the doormat before making his way into the hallway.

There he stops, like he doesn't know what to do now.

»Do you want to talk?«, Jensen asks. He already knows the answer, but he feels like it's common courtesy to ask.

Jared nods again.

It is not until they are both in the living room that he finally speaks up.

»I. I don't know how to start this.« Jared is fiddling with something, probably the zipper of his jacket.

Jensen sits down in a chair opposite Jared on the couch.

»Why don't you just say what's on your mind, straightforward?«, he suggests.

»What's your name?«, Jared blurts out then, catching himself a second later. »I'm sorry, that was... It's just... You know things about me, things noone else knows and I... I don't even know your full name.«

»You also know things I haven't told anyone else, Jared«, Jensen responds, dodging the question as long as he can. He dreads what may follow.

»And I appreciate that, the trust you put in me, but...«

»What but? Why is my name suddenly so important to you?«, Jensen asks, unease creeping into his bones as he tries to maintain his calm and understanding demeanor.

»Because- because«, Jared pushes the word out like he is stuck, only managing to say the rest once he takes his eyes off of Jensen. »Because it could change everything, Jensen.«  


»Who told you?«, Jensen asks. He doesn't sound mad, resigned would be more fitting.

»My aunt«, Jared says. »But that's not your full name, is it?«

 

»It's Jensen Ross«, Jensen answers after a long moment of silence that stretches so thin he thinks it will snap if he doesn't open his mouth.

Jared doesn't reply at first, just studies Jensen's face for a moment. When he speaks again it is not another question, it's a statement.

»You knew.«

 

»You knew and you didn't tell me.«

»You didn't need to know«, Jensen replies, holding Jared's gaze.

» I didn't need to know that the person picked by God himself to be my love is the priest who is supposed to officiate my wedding?«

»Yes.«

»Unbelievable.« Jared gets up. Jensen hopes he goes to leave, storm out and never come back. It would be the best for both of them. Instead Jared pushes his hair behind his ears and rubs a hand over his face. »Wow. Just. Why? Seriously. Why would you even think that?«

»You know why.« Jensen has difficulties remaining calm as Jared works himself into a frenzy.

»No, I really don't. How could you keep this from me?!«

»You were happy-«

»I wasn't! You know that.«

»You could be happy with Sandra, I didn't want to destroy that.«

»No need to. We would have broken up anyway, now it will just be tomorrow instead of next week.«

»What?«

»Jensen«, Jared throws his arms up and lets them fall limply to his sides. »I-, talking to you, during the interviews, it made me realize that a white picket fence and two point five kids won't fix us. That I can't love Sandy the way she deserves to be loved.«

»Why the sudden change of heart, I thought you were starting to believe that Sandra and you could have happy marriage.«

»We would get married and then what? Only sleep together with the lights out? Should I keep lying to her for the rest of our lives? Hide this important part of myself? She doesn't deserve that!«

Jared takes a step forward, then one back. »I have carried your name on my body ever since I was fifteen. Wondered if you went by J.R. or Ross and how to pronounce Jensen. Wondered if you would be just as ashamed to have my name on your body.«

Jensen gets up from the couch and walks to the fireplace. He needs to put space between them, all he wants to do is run.

»What? Are you so repulsed by me now you can't even talk to me, is that it?«

Jensen has to close his eyes. He stays quiet.

»Right«, Jared laughs hollowly.

Jensen turnss his back to Jared, he doesn't know if he could get through this conversation any other way.

»It is sin, Jared.«

»No. It's not. It took me eight years, but I know it's not. I did what you told me to, after confession, I read the word. "For He is a merciful God"-Adrian, 12.«

»That doesn't mean he won't punish you for your sins.«

»"For the love of an Intended is the closest to the love of the Lord"- Marcius, 25. How could love be a sin? Why would He punish those who love?«

»Because "It is sin to lie with another man"- Marcius, 48. Jared, don't do this, this path only leads to pain.«

»No, no, I don't believe that. "For only those of a pure soul do have an Intended"- Adrian, 17.«

Jensen wants to throttle Jared for being so stubborn.

»I can't believe that when in the three weeks I've known you I have been happier than ever in the past eight years with Sandy.«

»If you can't believe the word, believe me. Because I have walked the first steps of that path and I know the pain ahead of you.« Jensen is gripping the mantle piece now, so tightly his knuckles hurt. It is the only thing keeping him grounded.

 

»If you only took the first steps how do you know it won't get better?«

Jared's voice is soft. He is like a child in that moment, innocent and hopeful, stubborn and set on believing in the good despite everything that is stacked against them.

Jensen can feel the first cracks inside him.

»I can't give Sandra the love she deserves. But Jensen, I could love you more than you can imagine.«

The stone that is gripped tightly by his fingers starts to warm.

»And I know you could love me back.«

Jensen doesn't think as he turns around, as he strides over to Jared. He knows he is breaking and won't be able to pick up the pieces.

Jared is offering him everything he ever wanted, everything he was taught to never desire.

He finds himself brushing the hair out of Jared's eyes, eyes that shine in the dim light of the room.

His boy is scared too, he can see. Scared, but so brave.

Jensen's fingers tangle in the brown strands and he can feel Jared tentatively put his hands on his waist.

He has to get up on his tiptoes a bit as he pulls Jared down and leans their foreheads together. Their noses brush.

Jared speaks again, quietly.

»I don't want to walk alone. Please don't make me walk alone, Jensen.«

 

 

The kiss is chaste, just lips on lips.

Jared's lips are warm and a little chapped. They feel amazing softly pressed against his.

Jensen doesn't know what he is doing.

It doesn't matter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the wonderful readers commenting subscribing and leaving kudos!  
> A special little shoutout to SupernaturalLover1994, Faraway22 and SABandBAB(BABandSAB) for being awesome :)  
> I hope you all like the update.  
> As per usual un-beta'd.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

 They break apart far too soon.

When Jared opens his eyes again Jensen can finally appreciate them in their full beauty. His irises are like sunrise on a stormy sky. Seeing them up close shows Jensen why he could never decide what color they were, why they always seemed to be changing.

Jared smiles at Jensen, small and not particularly happy, a strange mix of emotions crossing his face.

Jensen tucks a strand of hair behind Jared's ear.

»What are we going to do now?«, Jared asks.

It's strange how quickly this happened, how fast they became a unit, instead of being two people fighting against the pull towards eachother.

 _Maybe_ , Jensen thinks, _maybe it was always meant to be like this after all. Maybe his boy is right_.

»I know you want to stay.« He doesn't want to say what's next, while his mind is working overtime trying to find a solution, wants to remain in Jared's arms forever, but things need to be taken care of.

»But I need you to go back to Sandra.«

Jared flinches and lets go but Jensen catches his hands before he can take a step back. He can't not touch Jared now that he allowed himself to.

»Only for the weekend. You can ask her to reschedule your couple interview to Monday, I got a spot free for you if you want it. I'll be there, help with the breakup, be a mediator, if you want. Of course you can break up with her alone, but if you want me to be there, could you wait till Monday? It's your choice, I'll be ok with both.«

»I would like you to be there. Even if you are part of the reason I am ending things.« Jared looks down at their intertwined fingers.

They stand like this for a moment, Jared watching their hands and Jensen watching Jared, the way his hair falls in his eyes while he looks down.

Jared is quiet and Jensen is about to say something when Jared looks back up, fixes his eyes on Jensen's. His voice is soft but sure as he says:

»Thank you. For choosing me. I know that this will cost you.«

Jensen pulls him back into a hug. He doesn't know how to respond to the trust Jared is already putting in him and the way he already cares for the man in his arms.

So he says what he already knew since he laid eyes on his Intended.

»You are right, I could love you.«

It is the best he can offer right now.

 

This time Jared hugs him back so tightly Jensen thinks he can hear his spine pop.

When he withdraws Jensen can see that Jared's smile reaches his eyes, which are shining with tears. Jensen gently strokes over Jared cheek, smiling back. »Now none of that.« _There will be enough tears next week._

Jared let's out something like a laugh.

He sobers up quickly and bites his lip as he is thinking. Jensen wants to kiss him again.

He doesn't. Instead he asks: »What is it?«

»Can I-«, Jared looks at him through his bangs. »Can I see it? My name?«

A second later he adds hastily: »Only if you are ok with it of course.«

Jensen pretends to consider it for a moment, even though he already knows his answer. »Will you show me mine?«, he asks. Jared nods.

»Ok.« Jensen turns around, putting enough space between them so he can pull off his shirt.

He can hear Jared draw in a soft breath when he sees the letters running down Jensen's spine, starting at his neck and reaching between his shoulder blades.

Fine black lines spelling out _Jared Tristan_ on Jensen's skin.

»Can I touch?«, Jared sounds shy.

Jensen nods and a second later he feels warm fingertips grazing his skin. He thinks it's the first time anyone has touched the words with so much care.

Jared marvels at the words, tracing them gently, fingers moving to the scar that Jensen got when his father threw him against the wall after finding out. Picture frames can be sharp.

Jensen closes his eyes and just lets himself feel.

A shiver runs down his spine when Jared presses his lips against the first letters in a tender kiss.

»Thank you«, he whispers, lips still on Jensen's skin.

»Thank you«, Jensen replies. »»You're the one who took the first step.«

»You let me.«

Jared draws back and puts a hand on his shoulder to turn him around.

Jensen is holding his bunched up shirt in his fingers as he watched Jared push down his jeans enough to bare his left hip bone.

The words _Jensen Ross_ are written in neat round letters. Jensen sees the invitation and reaches out to touch it. He caresses it with his thumb, can't really believe that the words are there.

Jared draws him into another kiss.

   
  


They part at the door, Jared clutching his phone. Jensen's number is now saved in it, a simple J.R. in Jared's contacts.

It is almost four in the morning.

Saying goodbye has taken a long time, especially since they both didn't want to part. Jensen can already feel longing spread in his chest and pull on his heart as he watches Jared drive away. _It is only two more days_ , he tells himself.

He doesn't sleep that night.

Neither does Jared, who sends him a text at five thirty.

They keep talking until the sun is already over the horizon.

 

On Saturday Jensen is so tired he falls asleep in his office for half an hour. He is only glad that it didn't happen during confession.

When he wakes up he starts working on his letter of resignation. He knows he can't continue to serve as a priest. He chose Jared.

As he signs the letter he doesn't feel anything. It surprises him.

 

He goes through the motions on Sunday. Not many people turned up for mass anyway.

He talks about change, trust and tolerance.

Neither Jared nor Sandra are there.

He gets home that night and searches for a book he hasn't seen in ages.

He finds it tucked away in one of the boxes in the basement.

It is still in good shape, the pages familiar as he flips through them.

There are a few blank ones left. He gets up and moves to to his desk.

Takes up a pen and starts writing.

Rereads what he has written years ago.

Adds a note in pencil beside the ink here and there.

It is after midnight when he finally goes to sleep.

There are fewer blank pages left now.

 

 

Jensen looks up when he hears the knock on the door. His heart has been beating in his throat the whole day, he is feeling sick. He hasn't really slept in the last few days.

»Come in«, he calls out. His voice is steadier than he expected.

The door opens and in walks Sandra, Jared right behind her.

Jared looks terrible. It's not obvious to the casual observer but Jensen can see it immediately. His eyes don't shine and he is not touching her, only putting on a smile that doesn't reach his eyes when she turns to sit down and throws him a glance.

Jensen tries to catch Jared's eye, tell him that everything will be ok, they just have to get through this first with a single look.

Once they are all seated Jared looks up and Jensen is relieved to see that the strength is back in his Intended's eyes.

They will get through this.

»I am afraid I have bad news«, Jensen begins.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off I am sorry for the delay, real life has been busy and this chapter just didn't want to come out like I wanted it to.  
> Anyway... I hope you like the update :)  
> Thank you to all you amazing readers, you amaze me again and again with kudos, comments and subscriptions.  
> And hits. This story now has over a thousand which is incredible I think.  
> You know the drill, this is unbeta'd.  
> And now without further ado, enjoy.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

»After evaluating the responses given by both of you in your respective interviews and on the questionnaire I am sorry to advise to reconsider the decision to get married.«

It's a string of fancy words for him to hide behind.

Sandra let's out a little, shocked gasp while Jared doesn't really show any reaction at all, except for sitting up the tiniest bit.

»But why?« Sandra sounds as disbelieving as she looks.

»There have been differences too severe to overlook in your answers«, Jensen replies, trying to be as vague as possible. It is Jared's choice to tell what he wants her to know. Jensen assured him that he is okay with any choice, wether it is for Jared to stay quiet or to tell her about having an Intended or even the Intended being Jensen, many many times in the past two days.

»We can work on it, we- Father, there's got to be a way, we love eachother.« She is reaching for Jared's hand. He pulls away before she can touch him, turning her attention towards him.

»Sandy, I'm sorry, but this can't be fixed.« Even though he is quiet his voice is steady and strong and Jensen aches to stand up and move so the desk is not seperating them anymore, so he can be by his Intended's side.

Sandra considers Jared for a moment, then glances at Jensen.

»Did you cheat on me, JT? Is that why you went to confession?«

Sandra is a quick girl, Jensen has to give her that. She is also far more composed than Jensen anticipated.

Jared shakes his head.

»Then we can fix this.«

Seeing her fight like this, unknowing she already lost, pierces Jensen's heart with guilt.

He looks back at Jared and knows that this will be for the better.

»No, we can't. Sandy, I- I am so sorry. I am not Nameless.« The _like you_ hangs unspoken in the air.

Sandra fixes her eyes on Jared and Jensen can see the first cracks in her armor.

»You're lying.«

»I'm not.« Jensen can hear the pain in Jared's voice, how much it costs him to say those words.

»What's her name then? Huh? Why would you keep it secret? Is she, like, your cousin?«

By now she seems to have forgotten that Jensen is even in the room with them, all her focus on Jared.

»His name is J.R.«

»A man?«

»Yes.«

»Then I say we should definitely marry. JT, you don't have to be wicked. You can abstain from this unnatural desire, isn't that right, Father?«

So she hasn't forgotten him. Right now Jensen would like it better if she had.

»No, we shouldn't.« Jared is quicker than him in responding. »You deserve true love, happiness.«

»Love is not happiness, it's sacrifice.«

»It is. But that doesn't mean that you should sacrifice your one shot at happiness because you feel like you need to save me. You know deep down that we aren't meant to be.«

»We have been together almost eight years, JT, I am your fiancee, it is my duty to try to save you.«

»Thank you, but I don't need saving.«

Jensen can feel something tug at his heart in this moment. He thinks that maybe it's love.

»So you are going to throw all of this away, just for a name that can condemn you to Hell?« Sandra's eyes are red now and her voice is getting rough.

Jared closes his eyes and breathes in deep.

»That is not the way I see it. I am giving you a chance to start new with someone who is right for you.«

There is a pause before Sandra speaks.

»You already know him, don't you, that's why you try to act like a good samaritan by breaking up with me.«

»I made the decision that I wanted to end our relationship over a week ago. I only found out who he was last Friday.«

_So this is it._

»And I wouldn't have found out if it wasn't for Aunt Marianne. It wouldn't have made a difference.«

Jared's voice is level all the while he talks.

»So I know him?« Sandra's voice rises.

Jared throws Jensen a glance before turning to Sandra.

»He is sitting on the other side of this desk, actually.«

 

The second the door closes behind Sandra Jensen is up and rounding the table.

Jared's composure is gone by the time Jensen gathers him up in his arms.

Sandra has left without another word, only throwing them a poisonous look on her way out.

Jensen keeps petting Jared's hair, whispers sweet nothings as Jared clutches Jensen like he might disappear.

After sometime Jared lets go, rubs at his eyes and sit up straight.

»I'm fine now. Got it out of my system.«

»Good.« Jensen interlocks his fingers with Jared's. »We will be ok.«

»I know«, Jared replies, the hint of dimples in his cheeks.

Jensen doesn't stop himself from running a finger over them.

Jared lets out a sound similar to a chuckle, the dimples now fully there. »Tickles.«

Jensen laughs a little. »I'll try remember that. I got something for you.«

He pulls Jared up and pulls them to the other side of the desk.

He only put a ribbon around the notebook, tied a simple bow.

Jared looks at it in wonder when Jensen gives it to him.

»It's not... much. Just, you asked me how I felt when your name appeared. That's all in there. The stuff written in blue is new, I added that after... Well, I think you will figure out when I added that. I want you to have it.«

»Jensen, thank you, I...«

»I think I'll never get tired of hearing you say my name.«

Jared looks at him, smiling. His eyes are bright. They remind Jensen of sunshine on a summer sky.

»I will treasure this, I promise.«

»I know.«

Jensen is prepared for the hug that follows, the way Jared wraps himself around him, his body fitting to his like they are two puzzle pieces.

Jared's hair tickles his cheek and he can feel the notebook dig into his back. Nevertheless Jensen hugs back tightly.

When they part Jared gives him a peck on the cheek and blushes.

Jensen is a bit amused by that. »Why so shy suddenly? Not that I don't like it.«

»I... This is all very new to me«, Jared says. »I want to do it right, not rush it. I honestly don't know what I doing now, this... Even as Intended I still want to... date you? If that makes sense? I mean, I was in a relationship for so long that is now over, I can't just jump into a new one and act like we have been together all our lives.«

»I don't want you to«, Jensen simply replies. »Act like we have been together all our lives, I mean. I would love to date you. Take things slow. Because, well, this is all new to me too, as you may have guessed.«

A smile once again plays around Jared's lips, distracting Jensen for a moment.

»And... can I tell you a secret?«

Jared nods.

»You were my first kiss.«

Jared blinks. »No way.«

»Yes, you were. It never really... came up when I was a teen and once I joined the faith...«

Jensen can feel his ears turn red.

»Well, then it seems like you are a natural talent«, Jared quips.

They both agree that a kiss goodbye is in the range of taking it slow.

 

 

When Jared gets back to the house he wanted to call home, there are a bunch of boxes stacked infront of the door. Aunt Marianne is sitting on top of one.

»Hello, JT.«

»Hi, Aunt Marianne... What are you doing here, I thought you went back to Washington?« She had left on Saturday, so Jared is a bit baffled to see her on the front lawn. On the other hand she is his crazy Aunt, so he shouldn't really be.

»Well«, she hops down from the box and squeezes him in such a tight hug that Jared can't breathe for a moment. »I thought something like this might happen. We should talk.«


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the many comments, kudos, subscriptions and hits!!!  
> You are all so amazing <3  
> I hope you like the update.  
> Un-beta'd, as you might have guessed.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

»Is this...?«, Jared looks at the boxes.

His aunt nods.

»To be honest I helped her pack.« She links her arm through his. »She would have just thrown the stuff out here. I'm sorry she kicked you out.«

Jared pulls his arm back. He is on his way to the front door as his aunt speaks again.

»I wouldn't do that.«

Before Jared can reply the front door is pulled open and he comes face to face with his sister.

»You!«

She spits his name out like it is burning her tongue.

Jared stops dead in his tracks. He doesn't back down though.

»Mary, could I speak with Sandy?«

»She doesn't want to see you.«

»Can't she tell me that herself?«

»You aren't welcome here«, his sister is glaring at him now.

Before Jared can reply Sandy shows up in the doorway, wrapped in a too big grey sweater. Her eyes are puffy and red.

She rubs at them and then looks at Jared.

»Leave. All your stuff is there.« She nods towards the lawn. »Everything that was ours I keep. Consider it compensation.«

Jared opens his mouth but she cuts him off.

»Don't. You don't want to be saved, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. Just go.«

Without another word she turns around and disappears into the house.

Mary waits until she is gone.

»You disgust me.«

He stays quiet, stands his ground but doesn't fight back.

»I don't ever, ever want you near my family again. I don't know you.«

Jared flinches as the doors is thrown shut.

 

He turns towards the lawn and sees that most of the boxes are gone, there are only two left. Aunt Marianne comes up the street towards him and he notices her RV parked by the curb.

She gives him a sad smile as she picks up one of the boxes and motions for him to take the other one.

»C'mon. Let's go. Give her some time, space, whatever. And we can talk.«

Jared nods his thanks, picks up the last box and follows his aunt.

 

The RV is packed full, the boxes now stacked a bit haphazardly in the back. It smells of earth and paint and herbal tea as Marianne pours them two cups from her thermos.

They are still parked in the curb.

Jared feels numb, the heat from his cup the only thing grounding him.

He misses Jensen.

He still mumbles a thank you to his aunt.

She pets his head gently.

»Don't mention it, we got to stick together, you know. But, oh my, what you pulled there... The priest of all people. Maybe you could have eased her into that fact a bit more... tactful.«

»Do you hate me now too?« Jared stares into his tea.

»Oh, JT. Of course I hate you. That's why I helped save your possessions, put them in my car for transport and made you a cup of tea.« She tuts. »Haven't you heard a word I've said?«

»No, yeah, you're right«, he sips his tea. Doesn't really trust his voice just yet. When he finishes he asks: »Why?«

»I always knew you were too gentle a soul to not have an Intended. I didn't for one day believe you were Nameless. So I paid a bit of attention to you and after that stunt you pulled on Friday it was kind of hard not to connect the dots.«

She pours them more tea.

»But still... Why? I mean how? I- What?«

»Takes one to know one«, his aunt only replies, hiding behind her cup and turning the keys in the ignition.

»Your beloved lives where exactly? I think he might be interested in this conversation as well.«

 

Jensen opens the door the second the bell rings. He hates to admit it, but he has been waiting, fearing how bad things might get.

The first thing he does is pull Jared into a tight hug, Jared's arms instinctively wrapping around him.

Then he spots the woman standing on his lawn. She seems vaguely familiar, but he can't place it.

He doesn't let go of Jared. She needs to know that no matter what people may think, he will stick by his Intended's side.

He feels Jared loosen his hold and steps out of the embrace, reaching for his hand. Jared takes it without hesitation.

»Do I know you?«, Jensen frowns at the woman on his lawn.

She smiles at him: »Of course, dear. But could we continue this conversation inside? I had enough door-and-lawn talks for the week.« And with that she is already worming her way through the door.

»That's my aunt. And yes she is always like that«, Jared mutters in response to the look Jensen is throwing him.

»Are you two coming?«, Aunt Marianne calls from the living room.

 

The silence is awkward. Jensen and Jared are sitting on the couch, Marianna lounging on the armchair opposite them.

She is smiling, but hasn't said anything since they sat down.

Jensen finally says: »Didn't you want to talk? Because if not...«

»Yes, sorry«, she chuckles. »I just got caught up in the picture of you two. You grew up great, J.R. But if you mistreat my nephew I will make you regret it, Intended or not.«

Jensen raises an eybrow. »Wait... Wait, are you?«

Marianne's expression softens as she watches him realize.

«Were you living across the street from me when I was a kid? Annie, who used to give me chocolate every easter even though my parents didn't like that?«

»And you are still a smart cookie. I couldn't have wished for a better Intended for JT.«

Jared mumbles "Marianne" the same time Jensen says "Oh my God" and let's himself fall back into the cushions.

Jared let out little laugh: »Jensen, you just took the Lord's name in vain.«

»That's the least of my worries right now«, Jensen replies, half joking, half serious.

They both turn back to Marianne.

»Good, now that that is out of the way, let's get to the really interesting things.«

She rolls up her sleeve.

Jared doesn't need to look, he already knows about the finely written _Robin_ on her forearm.

Instead he watches Jensen, the way his brows furrow a bit, and he angles himself a bit closer towards Jared without knowing.

»Yeah, I know, Marianne and Robin, amusing isn't it«, she quips.

Half a smile creeps on Jared's face. He remembers when he first found out about the name on his aunt's arm. She had allowed him to touch it, told him about what it meant. How he had wished to have a name like that too.

»For most people it stops being amusing when they find out Robin is a wonderful, dark haired woman from Canada. And most of the time it's not the Canada part they are hung up on.«

»No way«, Jared breathes out.

»Yes way. Why do you think most of the family denies my existence? So I just want you to know, you are not alone. If you ever need help, with anything, or just someone to talk to, there are more of us than you think. I'm here, ok?«

»Thank you«, Jared says.

The he looks at Jensen.

Jensen is crying.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is now in my top 5 most read, which is kind of crazy, but undoubtedly awesome.  
> Thank you to all you amazing people who read, subscribe, comment and kudo :)  
> I hope you like the chapter, something lighthearted for a change.  
> Un-beta'd (what's new ;)  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

A few seconds later both Jared and Marianne are hugging him and Jensen does his best to hug both of them back.

When they break apart Marianne hands him a tissue: »I think we should all go to bed, it's been a long day.«

Jensen nods. Jared still has a hand on his back. It feels good.

»JT, you can sleep in the RV if you want«, Marianne offers but before Jared can answer Jensen speaks up.

»I have a guestroom.«

_Please don't leave._

»Thanks Aunt Marianne, but I think I will stay here«, Jared replies. With a glance at Jensen he adds: »I just need to get my pajamas and stuff first.«

He gets up and Jensen is instantly missing his warmth.

»I am happy for you«, Marianne tells him once Jared left the room.

Jensen fiddles with the tissue, grumbling: »Stop it or you will make my cry again.«

Marianne chuckles. »I mean it. Now, one last thing. What do you want me to call you? J.R.? Jensen? Ross? Jensen Ross?«

»Jensen is fine, thank you, Marianne.«

»Aunt Marianne, cupcake.«

Jensen looks up at her. »Cupcake?«

»Oh, don't look at me like that. JT is my pumpkin,but only on special occasions and you are my cupcake. You are part of this family now, Jensen.«

He gets up and hugs her, mumbling a quiet: »Thank you.«

 

Jensen is staring at the ceiling.

The guestroom is tiny, the bed so small Jensen considers moving to the couch.

He insisted for Jared to take his bedroom, since there was no way Jared would fit in the guestroom.

And after some light arguing Jared accepted.

There is a knock on the door.

»Jensen?«

Jared is nothing more but a silhouette against the dim light in the hallway.

»Jay?«

»I can't sleep«, Jared says softly. »I was wondering if... Would you sleep with me, I mean, fall asleep with me? Or would that mean going too fast?«

Jensen smiles. »Is it too fast for you?«

»I don't know. It doesn't feel like it.«

Grabbing his pillow, Jensen gets up. Walks over to Jared and brushes their noses in an eskimo kiss.

»Good. I can't sleep either.«

Together they make their way over to the bedroom.

The bedside lamp is on, the notebook placed right beside it.

They don't talk when Jared turns it off, the silence comfortable between them.

Even though the bed is bigger than the one in the guestroom it is small for people over six foot.

Somehow they make it work, both of them lying on their sides, facing eachother.

Jensen's pillow is on the ground before the bed. There isn't enough space for it.

They share a pillow, faces so close they are almost touching.

Jared has an arm around Jensen's waist, loose and relaxed.

»I read a bit in your journal«, Jared whispers.

»I think I can understand now.«

The words stay in the room between them until Jensen leans in and kisses Jared.

Still innocent and sweet and he hopes it conveys everything he doesn't really know how to say.

Jared kisses him back.

They fall asleep wrapped around eachother.

 

The next morning Jensen has a crick in his neck and Jared plastered to his back. He turns around and takes a moment to watch his Intended sleep.

Jared's face is completely open, soft lines and curves. There is no worry on his features, no pain, and Jensen wishes that he still has years to wake up to this.

He carefully distangles himself from Jared, who mumbles in his sleep and hugs the blanket instead.

Jensen gets into the kitchen and is about to make some coffee and toast when his cellphone starts ringing like mad.

He picks up.

»What the hell, Jensen? Seriously? I need to find out that you are shagging it up with a guy through Steve?« The voice on the other end doesn't sound particularly angry, disbelieving is more fitting.

»Hi, Chris.« Jensen withstands the great desire to hang up.

»And one that's in engaged no less! Jensen, if they're willing to cheat with you, they're willing to cheat on you. But at least it explains why you have been radio silent for the last three weeks.«

»It's not like that«, Jensen bites out.

»Yeah, how?«

Even when they have been friends since Jensen was eighteen he isn't sure that their friendship will survive what he says next.

»Because he has my name on his hip.«

Chris falls silent.

Jensen clicks his tongue. So that's it. Another relationship kicked down the gutter.

It's something he should be used to by now.

It still hurts.

»Now that is a turn of events I did not see coming«, Chris finally says.

»Good, now I've got things to do, so-«

»Jensen, I'm not pissed, just surprised, that's all.«

A pause.

»Ok, I am pissed because you thought you couldn't tell me, but that's a whole different thing. I just gotta wrap my head around this.«

Jensen doesn't hang up.

 

Jared hears laughter when he wakes up.

Jensen's laughter.

He follows the sound into the kitchen where Jensen is standing, his cellphone tucked between shoulder and ear while pouring coffee in two cups.

He is listening to the person on the other end and his eyes light up when he sees Jared.

"Morning" he mouths, pointing at the table, which is set for two.

Jared sits down, rubs his eyes. After putting the coffee on the table Jensen says: »Chris, I want you to meet someone.«

And puts the phone right in the middle of the table, between marmalade and a stack of toast.

»Chris, you're on speaker. Jared this is Chris«, he points at the phone. Jared sips his coffee.

»He's an old friend of mine. Chris, you're now talking to Jared, my Intended.«

Coffee lands on toast as Jared sputters.

»Howdy«, says Chris.

»Hey«, Jared replies once he stops coughing.

»Nice to meet you. So, where was I? Right, so Steve is standing there, staring at this girl's name tag at Walmart and she looks like she is short of calling security...« Chris continues with the story he had been telling Jensen.

 

They eat while Chris talks, throw in a question or comment here and there.

Jensen doesn't stop smiling the whole time and Jared warms up to Chris a bit.

About half an hour later Chris tells them he has to go, but it was nice catching up and they should grab a beer sometime.

After he hangs up, Jensen looks at Jared.

Jared takes a moment to swallow the last bit of his toast. Then he asks:  
»What was that?«

Jensen's face falls a bit. »I should have asked you before introducing you as my Intended.«

»No«, Jared backpaddels quickly. »No, just... Am I awake? This kind of seems too good to be true. He didn't seem to care at all about it.«

Jensen laughs. »Yeah, I know. I didn't believe it at first either, but it's true. That's something I like about him. He always tells you straight up what he thinks. He was pissed about me not telling him, but he says being pissed about you being a guy would interfere with his live and let live philosophy.«

»We should really grab that beer then.« Jared takes another slice of toast.

Jensen's eyes widen. »Are you still hungry?«

Jared waggles his eyebrows. »I'm a growing boy.«

Jensen snorts into his coffee.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the delay, please blame my internet provider.  
> To make it up to you I will not only post the last chapter, but also the epilogue now so you have a bit more to read ;)  
> A shoutout to charleygyrl who commented so much, to FarAway22 and SABandBAB for following this story since the beginning.  
> To everyone else who left kudos, subscribed and commented and bookmarked: I see you and I love you all.  
> Keep your eyes open, I might write a few timestamps for this one... Maybe...  
> I hope you like the rest of the story.  
> As per usual un beta'd (haha, what's new).  
> Thank you for joining me on this journey.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat

It is only when Jensen looks at the clock on the wall behind Jared that something registers.

»Don't you have to work?«

Jared shakes his head. Sips his coffee. Doesn't look at Jensen when he says: »I quit on Saturday. I... I looked into some things and... I want to go back to school, study to be a teacher. I already got my degrees in English and Latin, I just need to learn the... teaching part.«

Jensen reaches across the table to take Jared's hand.

»Ok, if that's what you want, we can work something out.«

»Thank you.« Jared's eyes shine brightly as he smiles. »But what about you?«

Jensen shrugs. »I don't know. So many possibilities. I could become an astronaut or a cowboy or even a princess?«

Jared chuckles. »Dork.«

The bell rings.

 

Aunt Marianne enters the second the door opens, smiling widely at the two.

»Good morning, sunshines.«

»Good morning, Aunt Marianne«, they reply in unison.

»We got a lot of things to do, I smell coffee.«

They sit down in the living room and Aunt Marianne pulls out a notepad.

A moment later they start planning their new lives.

 

Jared's phone rings around seven.

Wearily he answers it. When he hangs up he is pale and shaking and Jensen immidiately moves to be at his side.

»That was my parents«, Jared says. »Nan had a heart attack. She's in hospital.«

»Do you want to go see her?«, Jensen asks, one arm around his Intended.

»I don't know if she wants to see me.«

Jared sounds so insecure and Jensen wishes he could take all of it away.

»You should go«, Aunt Marianne states. »In fact, we all should go.«

 

Jensen has never liked hospitals. They always feel like they will collapse on top of him.

Now, standing infront of the entrance with Jared, that feeling comes crashing back to him.

He still takes a step forward.

Aunt Marianne has her arms linked through Jared's on his other side while Jensen holds his hand.

»We are here to see Margret Padalecki«, Marianne tells the girl at the reception.

»Are you family?« She chews her gum.

»I am her daughter. These are my son and my nephew.«

The girl looks at their intertwined finger but doesn't comment.

»She is in room 104.«

»Thank you.«

 

There are a few chairs outside of 104, Mary and her husband as well as Joel occupying them.

The second Mary spots them her face twists. »I think I told you that you don't belong with this family anymore! And you«, she glares at Jensen. »That you even have the audacity to show your face around here!«

»The boy has a right to see his grandmother«, Aunt Marianne replies with admirable composure.

»He doesn't. Especially when he brings this piece of filth!«

Joel still pretends that he doesn't know they are there.

Before Jensen can respond the door to 104 opens, Mister and Misses Padalecki emerge and Aunt Marianne pushes them inside the room.

There is shouting outside and Marianne quickly blocks the door as the voices outside rise.

Jared is looking at his grandmother on the bed. She looks frail, lying in that hospital bed, nothing like the woman Jensen met at the Christmas party.

He stays at the back of the room, because he wants to give Jared space, but also because he doesn't know if he is allowed any closer.

»Hey, Nanna«, Jared chokes out. »I'm sorry, I just, I wanted to see you but I get it if you don't want to see me so I can go, I'm sorry.« He isn't even looking at her, his head bowed and he looks like a kicked puppy.

Nan Padalecki looks at Marianne. »Is he done?« Her voice is still as strong as it was at the party, that hasn't changed. Marianne nods.

»Now, JT.« Nan continues. Jared swallows.

»You listen to your Nanna. I have spent a whole lot of my life hating people. First it was the Germans, then the Japanese and finally the Televangelists. And that means I don't wanna waste the rest of it hating my favorite grandchild. Am I happy about this? Hell no, Father Ackles, when I told you that you would be amazing husband material I wasn't thinking about JT, but I will take the best that I can get, so be it. Will I go around advertise it? No. But will I still make you cookies for your birthday and let you eat me out of house and home? Of course. Now get over here and give me a hug. I am not dying even if your father wants me to believe that, so you can squeeze real tight.«

Jensen hears Marianne whisper: »Told you we should come.«

Jared leaps forward and does as his grandmother requested.

As she hugs him back she puts her head on his shoulder and looks at Jensen.

»You, young man, will get the talk I have prepared for Sandra.«

»I'm okay with that«, Jensen replies.

»You better be. Now, Marianne, darling, how is Robin?«

 

When they leave the room again, Jared's eyes are red and puffy from crying and there is a smile on his cheeks.

Mary opens her mouth to say something, but Jared cuts her off.

»I don't care«, he singsongs and walks past the rest of his family with his head held high. Even if his carelessness is pretend, Jensen knows that there is truth to it too.

»You know they disowned you!«, she yells after them and Jared doesn't even blink.

 

Jensen doesn't sleep in the guestroom that night nor in any other night that follows.

Sometimes he wonders how he managed to fall asleep without Jared's body beside his.

Marianne leaves about a week later, gives them her number.

A month later they both are in a new city, with nothing more but a few boxes and a piece of paper to start their new lives.

Marianne had offered that they could stay with her and Robin for some time, until they found something of their own.

They politely declined.

Jared goes back to school and Jensen finds a job in a coffee shop.

Chris and Steve drop in when they are on tour again and convince Jensen to join them for a gig or two.

One day Jared says during dinner: »I did some research and I- uh- I'd like to try some things, if that's ok with you.«

It is quite a Jared thing to do and Jensen is okay with it.

They can't decide who should take which role, so they throw a coin.

Jared ends up on the receiving end and Jensen offers to switch but his Intended doesn't want to hear any of that. The coin had spoken.

It's awkward and fumbling at first and it takes them quite a few tries to get it right but then, finally, something clicks.

After that Jensen has to find out that Jared is quite insatiable. He also finds out that he doesn't really mind.


	11. Epilogue

The house is right by the Pacific. It's small, with a tiny back yard. Right behind the hedge is the highway. But you can only hear it and with a bit of imagination the sounds of the cars passing by turns into crashing waves.

Jensen is standing infront of the floor to ceiling windows in his pajama bottoms with a mug of tea, waiting for the sun to rise.

He hears the quiet padding of footsteps behind him. Sure enough Jared's arms wrap around him a moment later and his Intended places a soft kiss on the knob of his spine right below Jensen's hairline where Jensen knows the first letter of Jared's name is. Even after almost three years he hasn't lost his fascination with the letters running down Jensen's back.

Jared drops his chin on Jensen's shoulder and Jensen places his hand over Jared's while sipping his tea.

The first sliver of orange appears on the horizon.

»My sister called«, Jared says.

»Oh.« Jared's sister hasn't spoken to him ever since she yelled at him in the hallway of the hospital.

»Apparently Beth is quite a stubborn kid.« Jared chuckles. »She kept asking questions about 'Uncle Jared' and why she is not allowed to see me until my sister snapped and relented.« He sounds proud.

»Well, it's taken her three years«, Jensen says. Even if it has faded a bit, it still hurts to remember what Jared had to go through. What Jensen couldn't protect him from.

Things are different here in San Francisco. People don't stare when they walk down the street holding hands.

The sun is already peeking over the edge.

»She is allowed to call me once a week now.« Jared's voice brings him back.

»And I might even be able to see her when we are at Aunt Marianne's for Christmas.«

Jensen leans back against Jared's chest a bit, soaking in the warmth.

»Good. Children shouldn't pay for their parent's mistakes.«

Jared's arms tighten around his waist. »I love you.«

Jensen looks at the sun that is now sitting right on the ocean.

»I love you too.«

**Author's Note:**

> R&R is appreciated ;)  
> Thanks for reading.  
> Love,  
> the shadowcat


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